mary van milligen

March 16, 2006- Surprisingly light speckles of snow fall outside my hospital room slightly frosted window as I lie with knees propped up and my tightly swaddled newborn draped on my legs, her head at my knees, her feet gently pressing my lower abdomen.  She entered the world about four hours earlier.  My husband’s body curled up on the blue couch in the corner catching a quick snooze after the emotional milestone that took place just an epidural ago.

Although I don’t have an actual camera to capture this image, this becomes one of the several conscious snapshots I’ve trained my brain to perfectly develop and process in my mind throughout life. I absorb the ambient light,  auto zoom my own tired eyes, and heartwarmingly focus on her long strawberry blonde eyelashes and precious curved lips. A perfect moment solidified in time.  Hold on to this image.  Enjoy the happiness.  Behold all the beauty. No filter required.

Squiggle squeaky sound fast forward feature to nearly fourteen months old, curly, auburn hair gently bouncing up and down as she gains confidence in her recently discovered walking skills heading back and forth to me and her proud dad, the parental posts of each side of the upstairs beige carpeted hallway.  Encouraging squeals and loud laughter as she balances herself with pleasure and reaches out her right hand for a tender high five, the left hand holds a squishy uneaten puff.

Lurch forward a few years, hip hop moves possess her darling dancing six-year-old frame as she prepares to perfectly perform her rockin’ routine on the proscenium of the stage. Hot pink sequenced skirt, decorated denim vest, eyes gently shadowed, blush highlighting her strong cheekbones, light pink gloss shines on those tenderly curved lips, blonde highlights naturally shimmer in her tightly wound and mandated hair bun.  My eyes focus once again and seize the precious composition of this moment in time photo.  An honest epiphany and shocking revelation that I’ve seen a glimpse of her future self.

Sudden requests of journal purchases, so she can feverishly scribble the boundless ideas of plots and scenarios onto lined paper.  “Mom, I have an idea.” I smile. “Mom, it’s called The Christmas Dragon, and he’s disappeared for years until he comes back, and I have a great idea of how he does” and “Mom, all the video game characters will come to life in this story.”  Creative and clever characters and conflicts consume the colorless pages.  Another flash clicks in my photographic mind.

Flashing furiously fast, pictures and pictures of watching her grow.  The albums of snapshots soothing my soul and spirit.  A decade of delight.  May God continue to bless her.  She made me a mother.  She filled up my heart.  Hold on to these images.  Enjoy the happiness.  Behold all the beauty. No filter required.